I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
