JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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