i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
