Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
