your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
