forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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