Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
