Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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