You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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