i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
