he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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