HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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