Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
