how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
