I didn't shave. On purpose
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
