I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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