I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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