that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
