Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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