you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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