the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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