you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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