Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize