Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
