Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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