I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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