Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
