Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
