Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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