I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
