Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
