you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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