I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
