i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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