You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can I color on your dick again?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
