I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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