You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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