You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
