I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
