How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
