if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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