Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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