Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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