I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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