I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize