I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize