it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
