she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
