honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Randomize
