I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
