cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
