I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
