I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
