gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
