my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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