It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm bleeding and have questions
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
