Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
