God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
