Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
